Angel
By Sharon D (MelSharon@aol.com)
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escape one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here
In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here
Written by Sarah McLachlan
____________________________________
It was over.
It was over before it had ever begun.
He sat staring out into the darkened woods from his cold hotel room, rivers of tears coursing down his cheeks. The threat was over, the enemy in custody. But at what cost?
He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, his mind conjuring up an animated face-a face more precious than his own. Dancing blue eyes, full lips, stretched in a broad smile, a glow of warmth surrounding him. A face that would never smile at him again.
A sob ripped from his lips and he fell to his knees in anguish, his head thrown back in a wail of sorrow. He hadn't been able to protect. She had taken him. Taken him from his side-taken him from this earth. She would pay-but her pain would not bring back the precious life she had stolen.
That was gone forever.
A coldness like he'd never felt before descended on him, wrapping icy tendrils around his body and his frozen heart. It had all been within his grasp. All the love, acceptance, and joy that he had always longed for. But now…, now there was only darkness and deathly cold. A bleak, barren wasteland where his heart used to live.
If only he had reached out. If only he had accepted what was so freely given. If only he hadn't been afraid. If only….
He had always done what was right. Always listened to the voice of authority. Walked the line, did what was expected. Listened to his superiors and became a good soldier, a good cop. For what? To what end?
Loss of the only one that had ever truly mattered? Was that the payoff?
Loss of the only one who had seen through the layers of the hurt and repression to discover the man-the soul beneath it all?
Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing. Only the sweet oblivion that beckoned to him. The comforting feel of the gun in his hand pressing against his brow.
No more alone.
With him.
He slowly cocked the weapon and rubbed it against his tear-streaked face as he closed his eyes and imagined the sweet face that had haunted him for nearly two weeks. Two long and lonely, sleepless weeks. Two weeks without his soul.
But no more.
"I'll be there soon, Blair. I promise this time. Apart but never parted. I'm coming," he said softly.
"No."
His eyes flew open and he looked around the hotel room in confusion, his gun falling from his hands, miraculously not firing as it struck the carpeted floor. "Blair?"
"Yes, Jim. It's me," the voice said softly as it surrounded and caressed him.
"But…, I…, you…, oh God…," he said in a ragged voice, as he cried out and began to sob brokenly again. "Blair," he cried out in need, his head in his hands.
"I'm here with you, Jim. I'd never leave you," the voice said calmly.
A whisper of warmth snaked across his head and across his shoulders, causing him to sob louder. "I miss you so much, Chief. God…, so much. I'm so, so sorry. I need you. Need you so bad. I can't do…, I can't. Can't," he said brokenly.
A warm golden glow filled the room and enfolded the sorrow filled man in its calming light. "You don't have to, Jim. I'm always with you. Even though you don't realize it. I'm a part of you now. I'm in your heart."
"I love you, Blair…, I can't make it without you," he said, afraid to look.
"Open your eyes, Jim," the voice instructed softly. "See me as I am now."
Hesitantly, Jim raised his head and looked into the beauty of his guide. Shimmering a golden white, the unearthly light capturing his sweetness and magnifying it to a dazzling brilliance. A glorious, holy light illuminated his chestnut curls, causing them to glow as an unseen wind gently blew them around his face.
"Blair," he whispered reverently. "You're more beautiful than ever," he whispered in awe. "Can…, can I touch you?"
Blair smiled serenely and seemed to drift closer. "In a way, Jim. Lay on the bed and I'll come to you," he said softly.
"Blair," Jim called out in a needy voice as he crawled slowly to the bed. Days of not eating and sleeping had taken a toll on the once healthy body. "I loved you. I've always loved you. I still love you. I'm so sorry I never told you," he admitted as tears splashed against his cheeks.
"I know, Jim. I always knew," he told his softly as he moved over to the bed and laid down beside his best friend. "Even though I knew you didn't know what you were feeling, I still knew you loved me."
"Can…, can I hold you," Jim asked in confusion.
"No," Blair said sadly. "But I can hold you. Close your eyes Jim and let me. I need this too," he admitted softly. Silently and softly, he enfolded Jim into his arms and wrapped his love around them. "Do you feel it, Jim? Do you feel my love surround you?"
Jim nodded silently and allowed the tears to fall as he sank into the comfort of his guide. "I want to be with you, Chief. I can't be apart from you. I just can't."
"I know, Jim…," Blair said softly. "That's why I'm here. We'll never be apart again. A Sentinel cannot be without his Guide. Nor can a Guide be without his Sentinel. I need you just as badly, Jim," he whispered.
"I'm dying, aren't I? I've felt it, you know. Knew I was wasting away without you. You were the only thing in my life that mattered, Chief. The only thing. Not my job, not the tribe…, nothing. Only you."
"I know, Jim. I love you too, you know," Blair said, pressing what would have been a kiss against Jim's forehead as he held him tightly. "You'll be with me soon, Jim…, and then we can finish what we didn't have time to before. I'll love you like no one else ever could. Love you until the end of time."
"I want that, Blair. I don't want to be alone anymore," Jim admitted, slowly opening his eyes to see Blair's golden face above his. "You're so beautiful…, so beautiful," he whispered. "I'm scared, Chief," he admitted in a shaky voice.
"Don't be. Never be frightened. I'm always with you, Jim. Always. Just dial down everything but sight and sound and keep your eyes on me. We'll be together soon. And never be parted again. Sshhh, love…, sshhh. I've got you. Never let you go. Love you for all eternity."
"Blair," he whispered as he did as he was instructed, seeing the vision sharpen before him as he dialed his other senses down.
Blair smiled broadly at him and leaned closer, "Almost Jim. Let go lover. Let the peace and serenity wash over you. No more pain, no more fear. No more anguish and no more loneliness. You'll be with me."
"I love you, Blair. Love you so much," Jim said as his breath left his lungs for the last time, sinking into eternity.
"I love you too, Jim," Blair said as his lips pressed to Jim's in sweet reconnection.
A broad smile slowly crept across Jim's features and he caught up his guide in a whoop of ecstasy, twirling him around in a tight hug, oblivious to their surroundings. His whole focus on the feel of his guide in his arms. "Is it real, Chief? Am I really holding you?"
Blair struggled in the embrace and made the bigger man eased him down to stand in front of him. "Yes, Jim…, it's real. The most real and perfect thing ever. Kiss me?" he asked brazenly.
"Oh yes, baby…, love you so much," he said as he pressed tiny kisses against Blair's eyelids, cheeks and lips. "I love you, Blair Sandburg. With all of my heart."
"And I love you too, Jim Ellison. Never parted again," Blair said as he lay his head against Jim's broad chest, wrapping his arms around the trim waist.
"No baby…, never again. Never again," Jim said, placing a tender kiss to Blair's curls. "My angel," he whispered reverently.
The end.